Eric Fartwell has certainly made an impression on the voting public before. Some time ago he made sure to inform the public that their rifles were hardly useful against the government in the event of another American Revolution because, as he explained, the government has nuclear weapons and the public does not. It’s difficult to tell where he was going with that. Was he proposing that the government should use nukes on civilian populations in the event of an uprising? That’s not a scenario that ends well for anyone – least of all the government. In any event, it was a stupid comment. We’ve been in Afghanistan since I was in my early 20s, and what are they fighting with? Largely crappier weapons than American civilians are likely to have – save for fully-automatic versus semi-auto. Asymmetric warfare doesn’t require the same level of armament technology precisely because it’s asymmetric.
But whatever. I’m not going to claim I’m an expert on war. That’s for folks like Tom Kratman to go into. It’s not really a subject for me, and definitely not one for Eric Swalwell, whose familiarity with war – as with most Leftists – is quite possibly a negative number. No, today let’s talk about the other nuclear weapon in the room: the fart heard ’round the world on air. Fartgate: a political Hiroshima centered on Eric Fartwell’s ass. And damn, is he handling it poorly. It’s one thing to drop a buttquake, but quite another to do it on air. I give this one a solid 8.5, it was robust, had a nice reverberation to it, it was the kind of fart that Eric probably would’ve enjoyed (as Fat Bastard said in the Austin Powers movies, everybody loves their own brand) were the circumstances different. I always thought this guy looked like the sort of dude who Dutch Ovened himself and enjoyed it. Give it a watch, if you haven’t already:
Look at his face. Now, I may not be an expert in war, but let’s just say that I know gas. My diet is atrociously bad – or at least it used to be, I’m trying to fix that – and so I am no stranger to late night Taco Bell runs after a few beers. Or eating practically everything on the IHOP menu at 3 o’clock in the morning. Sometimes, I’m surprised my wife hasn’t divorced me – but whatever. Point is, look at the strain on his face. This is a dude who ate something he shouldn’t have, and he knows it. He’s trying to keep it together. There was a second civil war going on in his lower intestine. And brother, the South was winning this one.
Then there’s that pause and the expression his face – like Geordi LaForge in Star Trek the Next Generation when he realizes there’s a warp core breach in progress, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. The Enterprise is doomed, Captain Picard. She’s going down. Launch the escape pods and abandon shit. That buttquake is happening, it’s an 8.5 on the sphincter scale, and there’s not much else to do but dive for cover and hope the buttquake didn’t come with any aftershocks. Eric, of course, tries to continue like nothing happened, and later he tried to deny it. But my friends, trust me on this. I know who dealt it – because in most cases, that would have been me. This guy is guilty. I’m the expert witness, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and you better believe my testimony. In the matter of lobbing chemical weapons from behind that are worse than anything the Germans lobbed into the trenches at Verdun, I’m your guy.
The mic set to record speech picked this thing up. It wasn’t small, my friends. Hell, the Japanese would probably start running away from it. I imagine after the interview, Eric had to check his shorts and toss his underpants into a biohazard bin. But I’m sure whatever he had to say about Trump was totally important, right?
Now, could it happen to any of us? Yeah, sure. But if it happened to me – fat chance, I’d probably never go into politics – I’d own it. Hell, it could be hilarious. Don’t be embarrassed about it. “Hey, sorry, I ate too many burritos last night. And that’s why I’m so bullish on Mexican immigration! It’s climate justice, you know? Mexico has a pollution problem, and America hasn’t absorbed its fair share of methane and sulfur. It’s time for that to change! Riiiiiiiip. I’m doing my part!”
Make sure to end on a long, thin squeaker for that last little bit of comedy.
But is all seriousness, own it dude. Everybody farts. Even women who claim they don’t fart. Ever been to a women’s public bathroom? It’s a disaster area, usually. Smells like somebody was eating ten-day old lo mein and decided to wash it down with some ex-lax and a bag of those sugar-free gummy bears Haribo sells on Amazon, much to the consternation of the public. You know, the kind that lead to reviews like this one:
Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Did Eric feast upon these little turd-Nagasaki-in-the-making treats before his interview? Wouldn’t that be the ultimate troll? Fox News should have a whole bowl of these little devil bears in their waiting area for whenever a Democrat interviews on the network. Then make them wait through lunch, just so they’re really hungry. Then put an “out of order” sign on the bathroom. Can’t be any worse than giving Hillary the debate questions in advance, right? And it’d at least be a good bit funnier.
Look, Eric, give it up. You farted. It’s human. Admit it, laugh about it, and move on. It’s only truly embarrassing if you lie about it. Everybody farts. Granted, not on live TV, but hey… roll with it. Make a Fat Bastard joke. “What the Hell? I didn’t eat any corn!” Or “wafting… wafting…” Whatever you do, though, don’t go back to California. With all those fires raging everywhere all the time in the state, you’re a MOAB, a mother of all bombs just waiting to go off. You’ll take California from roundabout the fifth circle of Hell straight to the ninth. The lesser demons would banish you to the domain of Lucifer himself, saying something along the lines of “fuck, dude, that smells like you sold your ass to the devil.”
On second thought, head to San Francisco, will ya? The political Right wouldn’t mind buying you a ticket, supplying you with the carbon offsets so you can preen about it, giving you some nice cigars and one of those big torch lighters to ensure a proper anal detonation smoke.
FIRST!
In normal times, SNL would have a running gag for weeks on this.
“Fartwell” is going to be on the receiving end of lots of very interesting attack ads in the 2020 election….
This!
Swalwell drops a bombshell!
Now we know what the nukes were he was threatening us with if we don’t turn in our guns.
You simply HAD to mention the Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears, didn’t you? (:-)
Sennacherib watched the impeachment proceedings, it is fortunate I am dead as total boredom doesn’t enter into the picture and of course I flayed a Chaldean every so often to lift my spirits. A quick observation: The Democrats needed a BIG win and so far they are not even close to a tie. Having the debates tonight is a nice touch as far as killing any interest in these people for any office. It is quite seldom in history have I seen a group as out of touch as these Democrats are.
Fartwell would be a standing —or–sitting character, but –butt there would have to be multiple Fartwells…. one for each country, one for each terrorist organization( freedom of speech)and Fartwell would need to be spelled in Spanish under the English, just like the wording at LAG and every other airport.
On SNL
Lololololo!
David
What did he eat, and when did he eat it?
Happy Thanksgiving,
To all you rapscallions and you too Thales!
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Apology for the off topic, Thales, but I clicked on the link for The Liberty Zone and promptly saw a popup for a virus warning, you may want to remove the link.
It’s been a month. Linda’s not posting, TSW’s not posting, Thales isn’t posting. Is anyone home?
I’m still here! My year has been insanely and unusually busy, and so my posting has been EXTREMELY thin on the ground.
I’ve a New Years resolution to fix this. I can’t operate under this level of work stress permanently, after all!
I figured you were writing another story for the Colonel. Didn’t want the fart to be the last post of the year.
Michel,
I’m here, just being quietly dead.
Sennacherib
Definitely did not want the fart as the last post. Figured you were roasting Chaldeans on an open fire while singing Christmas carols.
Chaldeans roasting on an open fire
Sennacherib nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by the fire
And folks dressed up like Amorites
Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Assyrians with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
Thales my friend. I spent most of my children’s formative years as a workaholic. The lack of fatherly attention and obliviousness has shown with regrettable results in their adult lives. Not saying you are a workaholic like I was but your workload over the years I have been following you has seemed in that vein. Be careful my friend.
Yo!
I’m here. Not posting because I have nothing intelligent to say.
Not to say any of my previous posts did either, but the intent was there. 😉
I am awaiting developments.
I still believe 2020 will be a very unpleasant year in US history. I’m expecting the dhimmicrats, under instructions from Soros and the Davos cabal, will be doing everything they can (with the eager help of the MSM) to create civil strife, disorder and instability in the runup to 11/3/20.
One rather ugly thing they could do is drag out the impeachment fuckery. Pelosi is refusing to turn over articles of impeachment to the Senate until the Senate trial is organized to guarantee a conviction – which ain’t gonna happen. This, nonetheless, will be used by the House and Senate dhimmicrats, again with MSM help, to peddle the claim that the ‘just, honest, fair, open and constitutional’ house proceedings are being thwarted by repukes in the Senate, who are now co-conspirators in the criminal, tyrannical, unconstitutional, illegal, democracy-destroying Trump tyranny that is destroying America and the rule of Law.
The fact that it is the exact opposite of the truth is the point, actually. After all, the Progressive Left has embraced the “Freedom is Slavery, War is Peace, Ignorance is Strength” doublethink from ‘1984’ as a how-to guide for social disruption and destabilization.
Though the dhimmicrat party continues to have terrible fundraising problems, they’ll get all they need and much more from Soros and his pals. I believe Steyer and Bloomberg are part of the cabal, and are running just so they can withdraw and then publicly throw their financial support behind candidates the Cabal believes will have the greatest negative impact on social cohesion.
Against this, I’d say Trump has Barr and Durham as the pair of aces up his sleeve.
Will Trump win in 2020? Will the Senate stay Red and the House flip back to Red? I believe all three will occur. What will make the difference is the cult-like blindness of the dhimmicrats and the MSM. You can see it even in their polls – they STILL use polling organizations that heavily oversample democrats, undersample republicans and grossly undersample independents, just so they can try to convince others (and especially themselves) that they are winning, that the country hates DJT and that they are still on the verge of realizing their Destiny to rule and reshape the world in their social, economically, racially and ‘genderly’ just image.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but from what I’m seeing and hearing, the idea that the dhimmicrat impeachment is both unconstitutional as well as a very thinly veiled attempt at a coup d’etat is quite widespread, and is even believed by a large majority of independents and a quite sizable plurality of democratic voters. There will be repercussions for this, and it would take something of a miracle for the dhimmicrats to persuade people that their motives are pure and legal. They’re going to show their anger and disgust with this at the polling booth.
BTW, folks:
I promise you – I’m not a conspiracy theorist or a basement dwelling hermit who hasn’t seen the light of day since 1972. I think that I am, however, most unfortunately correct in surmising that truly dark forces are at work with deeply nefarious purposes and goals.
😉
p.s. Up to now, Kurt Schlichter’s “People’s Republic” series has turned out to be quite inadvertently prophetic. I hope they stop being so from here on out, because otherwise we are truly headed for a catastrophe.
Merry Christmas everyone (except Chaldeans)!
Back at ya, Oh Gatherer of Chaldean skulls!
May Santa stuff your stocking with half a dozen playboy bunnies. 🙂
TSW,
As Chaldean skulls are remarkably like Democratic ones ( neither have anything inside of them) they’re quite easy to gather, transport, and accessorize.
Merry Christmas to all. And to any Chaldeans out there if you see a certain Assyrian king headed your way run as fast as you can.