Well, it seems as if Hillary Clinton has won some campaign support from the most unlikely of places: Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, where the forces of Sauron, long oppressed by the so-called “free” peoples, have made common cause with the Witch-Queen of New York. Sauron could not be reached for comment, but his emissary, the Mouth of Sauron had this to say:
Long have we suffered under the yoke of the white-skinned Elves. Indeed, they have oppressed Orcs of Color (OoC) for all of the ages of Arda. Orcs, Goblins, and Men of the East have been enslaved and oppressed for generations, having their wealth stolen from them by the Elves and their treacherous Numenorian allies in Gondor. Did you know that the men of Gondor once had a land of their own? Numenor it was called, but they were not content with it and so the Imperialists colonized and oppressed Orcs of Color. Orc Lives Matter! Enough of this bigotry and hate that the white Elves and white Numenorians spread!
Then, through poor environmental management, why, the Numenorians sunk their own island! And now they come to Middle-Earth and pollute the environment from their capital of Minas Tirith. Mount Doom continues to spew toxic waste into the air because Aragorn refuses to give Sauron back the One Ring, which was forged to provide a stream of carbon credits to offset the pollution of the mountain. So the dark days are the fault of Gondor. We want to fight against bigotry, oppression, and Climate Change. And for that, we need the One Ring.
Only one candidate for the Supreme Leader of Man offers to mend this grave injustice, these centuries of enslavement and oppression of orc kind. Sauron the Great bids thee to vote for Hillary Clinton!
And so many enlightened souls from Middle-Earth have made their statements heard:
Smeagol speaks up for Hillary: “Mean, nasty, tricksy Republicans. False! Hillary is Precioussssss.”
Smeagol is a fine, upstanding citizen of Middle-Earth whom the bigoted hobbits have stolen from. Why, Bilbo freely admits stealing Smeagol’s most prized possession! “They stole it, tricksy ShitLords,” Smeagol said. “Gollum, gollum, gollum, but we know voting for Hillary will hurts them, those bigotses. Oh yes, it will hurts them. Then maybe we will be master of the precious again.”
“Hillary understands that we dragons are creatures of peace, love, and understanding,” says Smaug.
Republicans have long associated dragons with violence, murder, and pyromania. Yet only a fraction of dragons have ever committed acts of terror. Dragons worship peace, love, and understanding. Smaug himself unequivocally condemns the acts of violent terror committed by a very small fraction of dragon-kind. “There is no truth to the rumors that I have billions of gold coins,” Smaug said in a statement last week. “These are lies meant to tarnish the impoverished, selfless reputation of dragons. It is pure Dwarven bigotry. We have ever been a peaceful folk.”
Denethor, Steward of Gondor, favors Hillary: “Like me, Hillary understands the needs of the common man.”
Poor Denethor has been terribly maligned by the upstart, so-called King of Gondor, Aragorn. Hillary understands that Gondor needs a caring, kind-hearted Steward with real political and leadership experience, not some warmongering populist ranger from the north.
“The Elves have long discriminated against my kind,” says the Wraith, “Hillary will fight for my rights.”
RingWraiths have been unfairly painted by racist, bigoted Republicans as committing more crimes than the average resident of Middle-Earth. While technically true, it unfairly omits the oppressive activities of the Elvish Patriarchy, which has continually impoverished them and kicked them out of their homes. Why, RingWraiths are driven to crime by poverty and extreme circumstance, not because they are innately violent.
Cave Trolls for Hillary: “Hillary good. Humans tasty [something unintelligible].
They are painted as dumb brutes by ableist Right-wing ShitLords because of their cognitive disabilities. But this is only because the bigots can’t see past the low math scores to the loving, kind-hearted souls within.
“I gave gifts to the peoples of the Earth, and they stole from me. Hillary will correct this injustice.”
He forged a great ring, designed to fight bigotry, hate, and Sauronophobia. And what did the racist white Elves do? They stole it!
The Goblin King Speaks: “Fat liberation and body positivity are central planks of Hillary’s campaign.”
“Just because I have an eating disorder,” the Goblin King further explains, “doesn’t mean I’m any less beautiful. Why, those stick figure Elven women need to eat more! Nobody wants skinny Elvish women when they can have fat goblin men with skin disorders! Big and covered with pimples is beautiful!”
“As a feminist, sometimes violence is necessary to oppose the Patriarchy,” Shelob explains, “That’s why .”
“Sexism is privilege + discrimination. So female spiders cannot be sexist against men,” Shelob explained in an interview with Salon magazine. “And murder similarly is privilege + killing. And it’s totes justifiable, my Gender Studies professor told me. Spiders have no privilege, so when I kill a sexist Hobbit and drink his blood, it is just speaking truth to power, baby.”
Residents of the Dead Marshes agree: “Hillary ensures that even the votes of the dead are counted.”
“In the Dead Marshes, we have been forgotten and disenfranchised by Republican bigots, who care nothing for the life-disadvantaged,” one resident of the Dead Marshes explained. “Yeah, we even light candles to light their path, and the wingnuts don’t even come down to say hello. It’s like they think they are too good to hang out with dead people,” another answered.
“Just ’cause we eat different than you,” the troll explained, “doesn’t mean you get to make fun of us!”
Our reporters tried to get in contact with the Trolls again, but it turns out that Bilbo Baggins had turned them all into stone! Such closed-minded bigotry! These poor, gentle creatures will never strip the flesh of racist, sexist homophobes to the bone again. A candlelight vigil will be held next Thursday in memory of these loving souls and fighters of the White Supremacist Patriarchy.
Balrogs for Hillary: “I don’t understand why the Republicans don’t let us pass. So racist!”
“I thought that segregation ended decades ago,” the Balrog told Huffington Post journalists. “But every time I try to cross the bridge to get some fresh air, that damned wizard denies me passage. He tells me to use the other crossing, you know the ones white folks don’t use. Why, I can’t even call for a cab in Moria anymore. Taxi drivers are always rolling down their windows, mimicking the wizard, and saying ‘you shall not pass!’ Then they go drive off to pick up Elvish women. It really hurts me inside, you know?”
Uruk Hai for Hillary: “We’ve long suffered bigotry in Rohan. All we want is some flesh redistribution.”
“It’s not right,” the Uruk Hai said, declining to be identified. “We’re always so hungry, and the Rohirrim won’t share their flesh with us. How come they get all the flesh? It’s just the 1% again, taking all the wealth. We’re just trying to raise our children, beautiful Orcs of Color, and these citizens of Rohan go on about, warmongering, and starving us. We want better wages! We want to be paid in flesh! So we’re going to Helm’s Deep to strike and demand our rightful due.” The Uruk Hai claimed to be a member of the Isengard Worker’s Union, Local 666.
“The ableism of Men and Elves is sickening,” Gothmog says, “Hillary will fight for victims of lookism.”
“All bodies are beautiful,” said Gothmog, captain of the Peace Brigade of Mordor, demonstrating peacefully outside Gondor. “You know, every time I approach the white city, filled with racists, they say ‘look there, he’s a hideous orc.’ Those words hurt me inside, they make me feel excluded. And lookist exclusion has no place in a civilized, inclusive, open-minded society.”
Saruman switches sides: “At first I opposed Hillary. But now I see the way forward is to join with her.”
Saruman the White explains his change of heart for the benefit of The Guardian’s readers: “…yes, I was once a white racist. A homophobe and sexist, too. Maybe even a pedo EdgeLord like Sarah Butts. But the day came when it hurt too much, when the love in my heart expunged this hateful bigotry. I know I can never make amends for all the hurt I have done to Orcs of Color, loving Goblin families in their terrible poverty, and beautiful feminist death-spiders. But I will try. I know in my heart that Hillary can help other evil racists find truth and open-minded inclusiveness, if only they embrace the love and peace of Mordor.”
“People need a President they can trust,” Grima Wormtongue explained, “Hillary is that woman. Trust me.”
It is rumored that Grima Wormtongue will be accepting a cabinet post from the Hillary campaign. When questioned about his forced resignation from King Theoden’s company, Grima had this to say: “I tried to counsel the king to choose the way of peace and inclusiveness, but his racism against Orc-kind could not be extinguished. But now we have a new leader, a wiser, more trustworthy leader. Someday they will say of Hillary that a more honest woman never breathed air.”
“The Hobbits refused to share the flesh with us,” says the Orc, “we’re starving, and they are so fat.”
“Everybody knows that, under a Republican Congress, the food stamps have grown thin,” the orc told us. He refused to be identified for fear of reprisal from Gondor. “We asked the Hobbits for a small sacrifice, just a bit of wealth redistribution from their legs. They didn’t need legs, because we carried them, we served them. But they refused! And they even poisoned some of the Uruk Hai against us, making the poor Uruk Hai self-loathing. Hillary will help us, and the rich 1%, lording in their splendid Shire, shall finally be made to pay their fair share of flesh.”
“You fools,” the Witch-King of Angmar told Fox reporters, “no man can earn my vote.”
The Witch-King’s speech impediment sabotaged the rest of the interview — WE INTERRUPT THIS CAPTION TO NOTE THAT THE ABLEIST REPUBLICAN WHO WROTE THAT HAS BEEN SACKED — the beautiful music coming from the Witch-King of Angmar soothed our souls, even though it sounded like a bag of cats being banged together repeatedly — SORRY THE RACIST WHO REPLACED THE MAN WHO WAS SACKED WISHES YOU TO KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN SACKED — The beautiful wraith of color had no further comment.
And so The Mouth of Sauron endorses Hillary Clinton: “It’s time we selected a President with real values.”
“And as an aside,” the Mouth of Sauron told us, “STDs are a badge of honor. I’m tired of people pointing and laughing at my Herpes infection. It’s not my fault that the Orc woman I went down on last year was poisoned by rangers from the north. You know, those rangers invented Herpes to kill Orc-folk. And meth, too. They made meth. That’s why my teeth are so screwed up. I hate the rangers, I really do.”
And so our interviewers have determined that the realm of Mordor, a bastion of animal rights, climate change activism, hope, change and inclusiveness will most likely favor Hillary Clinton. It is said that through pure voluntary community organization and grassroots efforts (no coercion of any kind), early predictions indicate a 100% favorability rating for the Witch-Queen of New York in Mordor, Mirkwood, and other areas where Sauron is seen not as a Dark Lord, but as a liberator for the oppressed peoples of Middle-Earth.
His eye couldn’t be reached for comment. Because it was a fucking eyeball suspended in space at the top of a gigantic penis-shaped tower of death. Sauron assures us that the shape is purely coincidental, of course. “Sauron is a good feminist,” the Mouth of Sauron explained, “if his tower looks like a penis and his eye is positioned at the top of it, well that is just because the sexists of Gondor have forced him to do it through peer pressure. Nobody pays attention to you in this society if you don’t have a giant phallic tower of doom. Even Saruman, back when he was racist scum, knew THAT.”